ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
