Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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