You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
