I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
