I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
