I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
