The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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