hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
But we have bathrooms and they dont
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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