I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
