New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
A+ Viking dick
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
