There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
