At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
