You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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