Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
