i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
