You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
