Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
