Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
