The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
