hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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