She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
