haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
