do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
