I can tuck mytits in my pants
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
