her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
