I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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