My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
