I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
