I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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