OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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