Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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