A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
