We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Someone signed my nipple.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
