I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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