Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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