Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Never joke about your clitoris.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
