if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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