Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
