I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
