i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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