If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
