I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
