Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
So vagazzling was a success
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
