By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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