My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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