I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
