last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
