that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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