I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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