sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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