Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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